SNAFU (Situation Normal, All F*k'd Up)
TARFU (Things Are Really F*k'd Up)
FUBAR (F*k'd Up Beyond All Recognition)
- United States Armed Forces
To which we add SOP (Standard Operating Procedure)...
The conference room at the main office served a dual purpose, with the lesser of the two being storage area for the archival collection of old reports of completed projects. Overflow from the company library. Numerical by job number. All well organized and filed row upon row along standing metal shelving the length of the rooms featureless long span interior partition wall. Maybe five shelves high. Neatly bound in three ring binders. As many as three to a project depending on the project size and scope. We were sequestered at the very end of the centerpiece conference table, facing a tabletop sprawl of open binders and reference field mapping. Research for a current project.
Opposite end of the maybe twelve-foot length conference table, a small meeting in progress. Project manager. Project engineer. Survey manager. Drafting manager. Another new project startup. None of our concern. Glad too. The project manager (PM) was always a handful to work with. They were going over the specifications for initial site investigation for planned renovation of a two-lane, twin span bridge overpassing a small stream. Some remote location north-central in the state. We're well within earshot albeit passively indifferent of their conversation...
"... which includes establishing cross-sections and plotting thalweg two-hundred feet upstream and downstream of the structure." The survey manager, quoting from the specification, immediately pauses and adds, "What's a thalweg?" The three glance blankly about. A shrug of a shoulder or two.
Following a bit of collective surmise, a turn our direction, "Hey, you're always out on the river somewhere... what's a Thalweg?"
"No idea."
The PM immediately consults his laptop, citing "Thalweg, pronounced TAL-veg; the primary navigable channel of a waterway." Adding from another source, "The line running along the low point of a river, where the riverbed is deepest, and the current is strongest."
The survey manager (SM) expresses issue, "That's not even a navigable waterway. It's not even a river. It's just a small creek. And it's pretty swift just downstream of the bridge!? And that channel looks deep. How are we supposed to get out there to shoot bottom elevation...?
PM: "Who knows... it's in the spec." (in other words, "that's your problem.")
Standard Operating Procedure: First win the bid, then figure out how to do the job.
(Internet Images)
Thalweg illustrated
The following week the SM stops by our office...
"Hey, the crew was up at the bridge today. That creek's too swift, rocky and high to wade out into. The narrow main channel is about six feet deep... about twelve feet wide. The rodman had slipped and went under. Above the bridge and upstream it's barely up to your knees the whole way across. Do you have a small boat that we can borrow?" We had a twenty-foot construction boat. V-hull. Outboard engine. Too large for the creek channel. And for the most part the creek was too shallow to float it anyway. Also, they would need a launch site for the tow trailer. We also had a small Jon boat that should float 'em over the shallow rocks. We gave 'em that with some paddles. And they could strap it to the roof of their truck. Off he went.
End of the week the SM returns...
"That creek currently is too high and swift. We can't hold the boat to any position. Do you have a long rope? At least 200 feet. The crew says that they can anchor the boat from the bridge."
We didn't possess one at the shop. However, I just happened to have a personal 300ft length of static climbing rope at home. Last used it spent the better latter half of the winter frozen in on a two hundred foot ice fall. Had subsequently trimmed off about fifteen feet that had badly frayed while swaying in the winter wind and weather for a month. I brought that in for 'em next day. He's on his way.
Mid following week he's back...
"That creeks too swift to steadily hold the boat. They lost control of it and flipped... we're wastin' too much time on this project... we only had a week budgeted for the surveying... it's goin' on three weeks... a three-man crew... travel, motel, expenses..."
I knew what he was suggesting. I'd helped 'em out a time or two in the past on the water. Each time taking a kayak out as the rodman. The last and final time they had me out in some shi**y urban runoff creek with floating black "sludge" and drifting trash, including hypodermic syringes and whatever else that we don't even want to think about. Trying to hold steady the telescoping 25ft prism pole to shoot the soffit curvature of a tall stone arch bridge, it was impossible to not flip the boat when the rod was extended beyond, say 15ft, at any angle. To our surveyors amusement, must have rolled over and gone under five times in that mess.* A few days later developed a burning red rash on the side extending from armpit to waist. Lasted for about a month. Never had it checked out medically. Didn't even want to know what it was. Finally went away. On the positive side, considering survival, we figured it to be a heck of a boost to the immune system.
"I'd try it with a kayak, but I know that there's no way that I could hold the boat in that current and manage a rod or depth finder." Which was true.
A day or two later I had just happened to be talking to the project manager for the client concerning another job. I brought up the subject of the thalweg and project. His engineer seal was on that specification...
"Hey, what is the deal with this thalweg on the XXX bridge project. Our surveyors are havin' a heck of a time there... and they're way over budget."
'The what?"
"The thalweg."
'What's a thalweg?" he responded with a slight chuckle and as if expecting a punchline (like asking if the "kneuter valve" needs to be left or right handed.) I went into further detail. He subsequently went and pulled a copy of the specs to review.
"Let me get right back to ya' on that..."
About forty-five minutes later he calls back...
"I just sent you guys an addendum. Tell 'em don't worry about the cross sections and thalweg. Unnecessary. The staff engineer (a young guy) here in the office, when piecing the spec together from previous specs (standard verbiage) pulled that section from an old navigable waterway spec involving commercial river traffic... tugboats, barges and such. It got missed in checking... and sorry, there's no money in the project to reimburse you guys."
Standard Operating Procedure: He should have added "... even though we f*k'd up." Mistakes are generally understood..."We'll make it up to ya' next project." Press the issue and... "Hey, you guys should have picked up on that, too." Bottom feeders are frequently left somewhat "hangry".
I relayed his comment to the SM. More than tight with a penny. He was immediately on his cell phone pulling his crew back to the shop while still alternately engaged in our inter-office call...
"... and cancel the motel before 2pm so we don't get charged for another night!"
Later that afternoon we're stopped in the hallway by the currently irate (and always over budget) drafting manager... "Those ##!!??'s dumped all those surveying charges into my drafting budget!!..."
"Hey, Standard Operating Procedure."
*After much subsequent controversy we eventually managed the shot. Hot topic of dispute: why not just sight on the outside edge of the soffit and be done - and not have to dump your rodman into a shi**y cesspool. Basic right angle geometry...
"Just because your total station can measure to a thousandth of a foot don't mean ya' need to be that precise!... That elevations good to half a foot or better!... What the f*k, we're not establishing control!"...
"This stuff has to check!!" - his favorite phrase. It'll go on his tombstone.
"I can measure that elevation to within a tenth of a foot without an instrument!"
Our always stressed, old school military trained survey chief was a stickler for precision no matter the function. We engaged 'em in a bit of amusing debate with the loser buying lunch. Using a wooden lath we employed rough stick and step (tape for our effort) survey method. Rounded to the nearest 0.25ft (under),
and short of dropping a plumb line, while estimating horizontal distance to the vertical by eye, our vertical elevations were identical. Good enough for this general site survey (our opinion).
"I was gonna' buy ya' lunch anyway for helpin' us out."
